Early to rise makes a man healthy, (un)wealthy and wise

I don't sleep all that well. Or rather I don't sleep all that much. I tend to wake up between 4am and 5am most mornings, including weekends (apart from the rare occasions when I've been out on the lash the night before). My system seems to be set to 5 hours sleep like an internal alarm clock, to the point of making an analogue or digital version redundant. In fact, I find it rather unpleasant to be woken up by some loud audio so whenever I do feel the need to add an external to be on the safe side, catching early trains or planes for instance, I tend to wake up about 15 minutes before the alarm is set to go off just to avoid the bloody thing. First world problems and that.

The upshot to my early morning rise is having a couple of hours of spare time in the morning before having to get out of bed. Or in the case of that ghastly post-referendum morning 4 hours of staring into the abyss before getting out of bed. My brain decided that it was time to wake up at 3am and check the early results. Wish I hadn't bothered. The worst start to a day I've had in a long time, waking up in a pool of vomit with a hangover that feels like the grim reaper is hovering with intent is preferable. Not that I've ever experienced such an episode of course.

On a normal day, most of the early morning time is spent perusing the net, BBC news, BBC sports, BBC football gossip, The Guardian, Huffington Post, Aftonbladet, IMDb, Flixster, Arseblog (not related to anatomy), social media. Keeping my grey matter in good condition. And of course online shops. For some odd reason most retailers have my email address and they all keep sending manipulative and cunning communications with the aim of enticing me to spend. Someone with a stronger psyche may feel able to resist or control their temptations but not me. I'm straight in there. Call me Eve.

So it is that I've developed a new hobby - early morning shopping. It's a pure joy. Hitting the check out button on a 60% off, plus an extra 10% off the sale price, bargain is sweet as. And it sends me off to work in a good mood, post-Brexit grey mist aside. In recent weeks my morning spending sprees have resulted in an array of items, all at 50% off or more.

Black trench coat - Zara

Grey denim shirt - Zara
Perfect combo, although summer appears to have finally arrived in London so there'll be a few weeks til the coat gets an airing.



Blue trench coat in 'technical fabric' - Zara
Peach knitted polo shirt with a slightly annoying concealed button fastening - Zara
Some may argue that it's a tad frivolous to buy two trench coats in one go. Not me



Black velvet floral printed t shirt - River Island
New Balance trainers in tricolor (allez les bleus tomorrow!!) - Asos
Navy polka dot polo shirt - Topman
Black sweatshirt with Malmö print (very random) which I obviously had to buy, hashtag patriotism - Topman

Red skinny trousers - Topman

Cream slim chinos - River Island

Grey slim jeans - River Island

So there you have it. Bargain shopping is good for you. I reckon it should be counted as 1 of your 5 a day. Infinitely more enjoyable than a green super food smoothie. 

What a difference a few days makes

I'm just back from a two week sejour in Việt Nam. The country, culture, people, the way of life - top draw. The weather was proper off the scale, quite literally blistering and unconducive to sightseeing. Great beaches that hadn't yet suffered hyperdevelopment. Intriguing mix of communist ideology and market economy. But it was really all about the food and the bia. Cheap, plentiful, tasty, varied, and omnipresent. Tick all the boxes then will you?!

At the time of departure the weather was distinctly un-springy, The Artist Formerly Known As was alive and (un)well, Spurs thought they could win the premiership, Boris reigned at City Hall and I was still my normal hue and buying jumpers in the sale to assemble outfits such as this. Totally day into night (any excuse for a bit of Project Runway inspired lingo).

Light blue jumper from Burton
Yellow and black pocket square from Topman
(Shirt and blazer well old)

What a difference a couple of weeks makes though. Summer arrived and departed, Prince just departed, Spurs choked and Sadiq Khan triumphed. A mayoral victory for the people. Hopefully he'll make his mark by pulling the plug on the ludicrous Thames garden bridge straight away. As for me, I returned a few shades darker along with a couple of cheapo tailored shirts:

White long sleeved shirt by An tailor, Hoi An
Brown satchel in faux leather from Asos
(Black trousers well old)

Hoi An should be an essential destination for anyone visiting Vietnam. It's hands down the prettiest, most picturesque town in the whole of Asia. A UNESCO heritage site, the old town is simply stunning. The well preserved architecture is amplified at night with a plethora of lanterns and lights to create an ambience completely at odds with the traffic maelstrom you get elsewhere. And the food and bia is still superbly cheap.

As ubiquitous as the lanterns are tailor shops offering 'bespoke' suits, dresses, coats, shoes, you name it. Problem is the offerings all look the same so choosing the best one becomes a massive headfuck. I went with the advice from our hotel receptionist and ended up at An tailors. They tried their hardest to flog a 3 piece suit in royal blue but I settled on two shirts, a navy dogtooth and white diamond textured.

The finished products are competently put together and more importantly fit my measurements like normal high street gear don't. Being a short arse my arms aren't the length of standard sweatshop sewing patterns so wearing a shirt with sleeves the right length is a proper treat.

It's a short lived treat though for sure. Unlike Madonna's object of desire, I can't afford to get my suits custom made in London. A few weeks made a difference but not quite on that level *trundles back to the high street*.

Money Spending Expert

Fact: I'm one of life's spenders. People like me keep people like Martin Lewis extremely well fed with our need for constant reminders not to get royally screwed over, pay over the odds or mismanage our finances. Erratic spending is my stock-in-trade and no amount of brainwashing from the experts in money saving would stem the cash flow. In the same week that one of the Money Saving Expert bloggers decided to FLY from Sheffield to Essex via Berlin as it was £8 cheaper, I took it upon myself to make a similar journey way way way more expensive than it ought to have been. I'm a disaster, it's what I do.

So anyone looking to waste a few quid here's a quick recipe:
1. Book a train ticket in advance for £33 (1st class obvs)
2. Pick it up from the ticket machine
3. Lose said ticket, alternatively throw it in the bin
4. Forget you picked it up in the first place
5. Try and collect it again
6. Leave it til the day of travel before enquiring about the collection error
7. Find out that you indeed picked up the ticket 2 weeks previous and therefore a replacement can't be issued
8. Feel like a twat on the phone
9. Feel like a twat after hanging up
10. Grudgingly buy another ticket for £73.50 (Standard pleb class obvs)

New year, same old me
I've pretty much given up on acquiring common sense by now. Luckily I've also spent money on more enjoyable fare too. New year, same old me, new stylings. All of them in the sale. Fashion forward in last season's gear. Trendplagiariser. Sartorially delayed. The sale offers keep on coming too so there's no let up in the temptations.

Here are a few of the things I'll be sporting around town over the coming months:










Burgundy trench from Zara. The quintessential sale item, not even end of season, end of the season before. They'll be stocking the stores with spring/summer's version of trench coats soon, the fact that it's a timeless classic seems to have gone amiss somewhere. Fool them.



Block coloured jumper from Shore Leave, Urban Outfitters. Unusal and cheap=Win and win.



Black and grey stripe jumper from Only & Sons, Asos. I was expecting white stripes but hey ho. At least there's no hard button to button.

White and black printed short sleeve shirt from Asos. I love this shirt, in the most tenuous of fashions it reminds me of Sean Connery as 007 in Goldfinger. Shocking, positively shocking.



Pink gingham shirt from Asos. Ginghams do have soul.



Pink polo from Brave Soul, Asos. On Wednesdays we wear pink.



Block patterned t shirt from Zara. It's a bitch to iron so this one will get limited airtime.



Coloured collar and cuffs polo from Topman. The tag says skinny, the description did not *fumes*.



Annoyingly squeaky white trainers from Pull and Bear. Having re-discovered my likeness for the white trainer recently, no idea when and why it meant missing, this is the 3rd pair I've bought in quick succession. 2 of them squeak. Not impressed.



Pack of 4 excellently patterned socks from Urban Outfitters. The woman in the Westfield Stratford shop forgot to take the alarm tag off each pair and as a result the socks have been on a round trip to Oxford pre-usage.

All of the above purchases clock in at just under £150 so come to think of it I may well be an expert in saving money. So there. You won't catch me wasting valuable money-spending-time flying to Berlin just for the sake of it though. I'd rather get to my destination as quickly as possible. If only I can remember to not pick up the ticket, or not to lose the ticket, or not to forget that I picked up the ticket, or....

Better the devil you know

The other day saw the conclusion of a brief spell of uncertainty that had preoccupied my mind to a level not experienced for some time. The finer details will be left untold, suffice to say the outcome wasn't to my benefit. Despite the issue itself being of minor consequence, for a short while the effect felt palpable - mood, outlook and thought processes all took a knock, rendering me somewhat apathetic before grappling control of my senses and, more importantly, regaining a realistic perspective.

Afterwards it prompted me to reflect on how minor incidents, as well as major events, can affect us in such a way that we end up taking it personally. Even the kindest or most thoughtful words of consolation fail to halt the process. What we're left with is a set of largely unhelpful and angst ridden questions: What's wrong with me? Why me? When will I learn? What's the point? What can I eat next?

I'm firmly in the category of people for whom, regardless of what we've achieved in life, confidence remains finely poised. For the most part I'm of jolly good spirits but a gentle jolt can tip the curve downwards, even when the trajectory has been steadily rising. One would think that life experiences and increasing maturity automatically generate resilience and pragmatism but the human mind has its own way of playing tricks.

To me it's largely because of that complete pain in the arse known as vulnerability. Like the lymphatic system it's lurking under the surface, ready to come to the fore as soon as there's the slightest crack in the veneer of our usual public persona. And like the lymphatic fluid, it appears out of nowhere, without warning but right on cue, and takes a while to disappear again. When vulnerability is at its peak the words of comfort and encouragement that others' feel compelled and willing to offer have really very limited impact, apart from demonstrating that people care. It's a storm that one has to ride.

As someone who's risk averse in many respects, I prefer to keep my vulnerable lymphatics in check through considered avoidance. Venturing beyond familiar paths is necessary for progress but in this instance I agree with Kylie, or alternatively Sonia: Better the devil you know. I much prefer myself when I'm freed from existential angst. I function a great deal better. Nothing ventured, nothing gained goes the counter argument. But venturing and coming back empty handed isn't all that great either, it makes you feel a right fool.

Sometimes it's better the devil you know when it comes to sartorial matters too. Red checked shirts are already a feature of my wardrobe but when something works you might as well do it to death. This one came with a 20% discount on the sale price courtesy of Asos, £8 quid for a shirt of decent quality. Thumbs enthusiastically up. The fabric is unexpectedly thick so it might have to wait for its premiere til later in the year.



The same delivery also saw the arrival of these plimsolls by Rock & Revival. With the discount they came to £10.40. Having retired a pair of white high-topped plimsolls recently, there was an opening for a replacement which was duly filled.



So regardless the devil, I'll stick with the one I know than get carried away with the one I don't. In the main. At times I might dip my toe in the unknown, or take a full on plunge, because every now and then you venture and come up trumps.

A disastrous 6 months

 

The other day marked the halfway point of my spending chronicle. 6 months in already, time flies when you're being a disaster. Disasters have more fun. Disaster is the new black. Don't know about anyone else but I've not had a shabby 6 months at all, bereavement aside. Been to Sweden three times, South Korea once, London five, celebrated a birthday, consumed copious amounts of food, copiouser still amounts of alcoholic beverages, been to the cinema 22 times, got myself BT Sport at home, and of course spent a fair chunk of money on material things. Time to take stock therefore. What kind of disaster am I? A minor mishap or full blown calamity?

In total I've spent 2290 pounds and 62 pence on stuff that some might argue (unsuccessfully) superfluous. That equates to £381.77 per month which I think is fairly reasonable. Go go minor mishaps! 6 monthly reports call for a graph of course:

So far so good. On closer inspection however, it appears I've bought 45 items of clothing and 9 pairs of shoes. At this rate I might break triple figures by the end of the 12 months of blogging. That's probably quite a lot of clothes. And shoes. Epic force majeure! Although come to think of it, almost all of those clothes, and definitely all the shoes, were bought in the sale so that makes it all ok. Minor mishap for real. Me 1 Buyers' remorse 0.

Buoyed by a holiday underspend and an investment windfall, I've gone on a bit of spree of late. All awfully vital purchases clearly.

 
 

A Kenwood Chef KMC010 to take care of all your baking and cooking needs. Been wanting to get my hands on one for a good, good while. It's a mechanical marvel, a home cook's wet dream. All for the price of £349. It comes packaged in the most ridiculously over-sized box so having it delivered to your work is not such a good idea. Trust me. I also grabbed the opportunity to buy a mini mill to go with it, £25 which includes 4 glass jars with lids. Soon to be filled with freshly ground coffee beans.

I'd managed to wreck the screen on my old Samsung Galaxy S5 in the space of 11 months so went out and bought the new and improved version, though not the one with a bent screen. A line has to be drawn somewhere, and it was drawn at £538. Splashed out £8.30 on a new-with-tags River Island checked shirt from eBay and £4.50 on a green knitted jumper from Topman. Come winter time you may just find me wearing both at the same time. And of course I couldn't help buying some more footwear. River Island loafers with tassles £27.50, Base boots for £20, Base brogues for £21 and Rock and Religion plimsolls for £7, all from the trusted companion that is the Asos sale.

So, 6 months worth of disastrous spending has come to an end, here's to another 6! Who knows what the future has in store? Or what stores will feature in future? All will be revealed in due time (although if you're Asos you're in with a good chance).

Out with the old, in with the new

As if the election campaign anno 2015 wasn't ridiculous enough, the last week or so has seen some exceptionally stupendous/misjudged/downright offensive incidents in the name of politics and shameless self promotion.

First off, everyone's favourite people's champion, plain speaking, no-nonsense defender of all things proper British Nigel Farage took part in the conveniently re-branded 'Opposition leader's TV debate' following Cameron's massively cowardice (and suitably cuntish) decision not to take part. Unable to defend your government's policies by any chance?? Thankfully parts of the audience booed and jeered the twerp when he wheeled out the same old tired message about immigration and the drain on public resources. What happened next was baffling, even by his shit standards, as he proceeded to lambast the audience and the Beeb (quite possibly the greatest institution in the world by the way), exclaiming "There just seems to be a total lack of comprehension on this panel and on indeed this audience, which is a remarkable audience even by the left-wing standards of the BBC. I mean this lot is pretty left-wing, believe me." By doing so he hit on one of my biggest bug bears of any political discussion, particularly but not exclusively on social media. The notion that wanting the best for everyone in society, having compassion for people's circumstances, valuing differences and caring for local communities somehow automatically makes you anti-business, a radical Marxist or the rebirth of Mao Tse-Tung. "Most of the people in the audience had made up their minds, and were dead against me" Farage moaned to the Daily Hate Mail afterwards. Surely, I mean surely, that can't come as a surprise to the little cretin. He can't even go for Sunday lunch with his family without a spot of heckling to boot. The vast majority is dead against you chuck.

Then there were the wholly unwelcome, unnecessary and inflammatory comments by fuckwit rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins. As a strictly non-Sun reader, it had completely passed me by that Hopkins had managed to blag herself a column in the despicable tabloid. In the cold light of day her appointment makes perfect sense, a match made in heaven if there ever was one. Don't want to lower myself to re-print her uber-offensive sentiments, suffice to say she holds anyone who experiences war, genocide or persecution with great contempt. BECAUSE IT'S CLEARLY THEIR OWN FAULT!!! Massive see you next Tuesday. And The Sun are even bigger ones for printing the column in the first place. If you're of sane mind and judgement you should sign the petition calling for her to be removed over on Change.org.

Finally, and most disappointingly, the previously flawless and untouchable Madonna. Fresh from releasing a shit album and barely scraping the top 40 with a shit single, despite tonnes of free publicity courtesy of Giorgio Armani's cape, she has plunged to new depths of desperation by publicly declaring her admiration for Margaret Thatcher on Instagram of all places. An extremely poor decision, even for a publicity parasite. Amidst an election campaign it can be seen as a half hearted backing of Tory politics, intentionally or not. There's been a distinct lack of intention with anything Madonna has done for the last decade so I'm guessing it's the latter. The demise is palpable. Worse still is her justification for her admiration: "If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing." The Iron Lady may well have had a steely determination and an inability to compromise but that's not necessarily cause for celebration. The exact same thing can be said for any dictator out there, past or present, with or without a penchant for killing millions of innocent people. Maybe Madge has a fetish for them too. Maybe Dress You Up was about smothering Robert Mugabe in lace gowns and Boy Toy belts or Justify My Love a plea to Pol Pot to shag her on a cross-country train?

Madonna aside, there are promising signs that at least 50% of the country has had enough of this particular coalition and will choose to elect a new government come 7 May. Fingers crossed I say. We'll probably have a different form of coalition, or some other form of minority run government, thats fine by me. I very much doubt that Nicola Sturgeon is the anti-christ and anything that gets Cameron and Osborne out of Downing Street is good with me. Minority rules anyway. And I'm not exactly a huge fan of Red Ed either but at least he seems to act with a degree of dignity, as opposed to the current PM who shamelessly used his late disabled son as a political tool. Besides, we're not America, we're not voting for an individual prime minister, we're voting for government policies preceded over by a a large number of MPs, propped up by an even larger army of civil servants. So even if Miliband doesn't appear to be PM material, his party represents a fairer take on society, one that isn't so blatantly favouring the toffs and disgustingly rich. Out with the old, in with the new.

New is good, new is exciting, new is not the same as before, new gives us the kick up the arse we sometimes need, new means joy and happiness. I love new. So much so that I've spent a considerable amount of time with new over recent weeks. My bank account still bleeds. Anyone offended by gluttony may want to stop reading now.

My kind friends clobbed together for an Asos voucher for my birthday and I've finally got round to spending it. Hooray! All 5 items were in the sale of course but with the voucher value taken off, I only had to pay 7 quid of my own money. What I got for it was a pair of blue brogues by Red Tape (whoever they are), a grey polo with mustard and navy trimmings by Bellfield (whoever they are), a black jumper with a shoulder zip by Asos, a white, black and blue checked shirt by Asos and a red shirt by French Connection. Now that's what I call value for money.


I came across this little number from Zara on eBay, emphasis on little, I can only just squeeze in to it. Used but not particularly noticeably so and for £8 I'd happily wear someone else's rejects, albeit with a very thin layer of clothing underneath.

Deep purple polo from River Island, £5 in the sale.


Black stretch skinny jeans from Topman. I say black, they're not quite black black, and in a funny material, definitely not denim as we know it. Nevertheless they were £12 down from £40, making it a whopping 70% off. Maybe the not denim put others off. Their loss entirely.

Jazzy socks from Topman, a pound each in the sale. I just can't get enough.

18 polka dot buttons each in white/red and navy/white, 20p each from Liberty. The sales assistant looked at me with polite surprise when I declared my intention to buy 36 buttons from her, enquiring as to what my plans were for such an unusual amount of buttons. I replied that I'm planning on changing the plain, standard buttons on a few shirts to these jolly ones. She approved. And here's the first batch:

Black polo from H&M for £7.99 and white polo from River Island for £5. They've spruced up quite nicely I reckon. They don't call me Gok for nothing (or ask to have their picture taken with me during training courses to show their family they've been trained by Gok).

I've not just been spending money on clothing recently though, all things new is good. Was rather randomly given a king size duvet from John Lewis absolutely free, unfortunately such things don't happen often enough, so went out and bought new bedding for it. I'd amassed a fair amount of Tesco Clubcard vouchers so bought this duvet set for £11 in the sale.

Also bought a new pair of Philips earphones for running at £17.99.

I've got really awkward ears. Not a scientifically proven fact but for some reason most earphones pop out during movement. These ones boldly declared that they're guaranteed not to fall out. Bull shit. The fuckers don't last 3 steps before they're dangling in my outer ear. Thank god I paid for them with Clubcard vouchers.

Whilst on the running tip, I felt the need to buy some weighing scales to check progress. I'm not particularly running to lose weight but figured with the amount of exercise I do I ought to shed some pounds. A significant portion of my wardrobe, as well as my mirror, seemed to disagree though so to settle the score I acquired the scales for £12.99 from Argos. Unfortunately the wardrobe and mirror were right, I've not lost any weight at all since starting running well over a year ago. Quite the opposite. Maybe eating loads of cake, and biscuits, and crisps, and sweets, does have an impact after all. Duh!

Spurred on by my weight confirmation I went out and bought some weights the other day. Mainly to tone up my moobs before having to resort to wearing man bras. Argos own weights for £17.99. I've always hated going to the gym so chances are it'll be a short-lived fad but with a bit of grit and determination I may succeed in having a body like Arnie. Nowt to do about the Denzil face though.

Finally, and there is an end to the spending madness, a couple of things for my upcoming holiday to South Korea. It's gonna be great. I've  already planned which movies I'm gonna watch on the flight across: The Imitation Game and Leviathan between Manchester and Doha and Nightcrawler and Winter Sleep for the Doha-Seoul leg. I've been taking YouTube lessons in basic Korean so I can now say 'annyong haseyo' (hello), 'annyong-hi geseyo' (goodbye) and 'gamsahamnida' (thank you). At least I can say it in my head. My tongue and vocal chords may not follow. I've booked a free guided tour through Meteor Youth Club, a fantastic service provided by student volunteers. They get to practice English and show their city in all its glory, I get to go round venues and areas of choice in the company of someone who knows their way round. It's a total win win. I was able to choose the type of tour I'd like - culture, history, attractions, sport etc. I naturally chose shopping and food. Other plans include going to a 4DX cinema, unfortunately to see the new Avengers movie, going to the world's largest IMAX screen, hopefully not to see the new Avengers movie again, strolling along the old fortress walls, going for runs along the Han river, eating my body weight in Korean street food at Gwangjang food market and having a posh lunch at Jungsik.

Just in case I get bored I bought a couple of books from the Amazon marketplace, both used at £2.80 each:

"The Two Hotel Francoforts" by David Leavitt. I've read quite a few of his books, "Martin Bauman", "The Page Turner" and "The Lost Language of Cranes" are all awesome, but his recent output hasn't caught my attention. I figured I'd give this one a whirl though. "Call Me By Your Name" by Andre Aciman featured on a couple of book lists I came across and the premise sounds right up my street. The copy I bought is on a permanent loan from Newark library which I'm not really happy about. Might have to send it back to them when I'm done. Bet they'll refuse to accept it though.

I also had to buy a new suitcase as I currently don't own one. The old one went with my ex when we parted ways and rather aptly it's now ended up on the scrap. I'm loathed to spend money on things I have limited use for so £22.99 from Argos was a necessity rather than choice.

So congratulations if you made it to the end. And don't forget to vote on May 7. Although if you're siding with the Tory/UKIP axis of hell, please do forget about voting altogether, and encourage other like minded people to do the same. I know it's a democracy and everything but really just piss off. New is good, new is great.

My life in technicolour YouTube

So it was my birthday on the 19th, edging ever closer to the milestone that is 4-0, forty. Whilst ageing definitely has its benefits, lessened self doubt/neurosis is a massive bonus, the drawbacks are numerous. The permanent midriff overhang, the creaking bones, the stiff and aching muscles, the beckoning dentures, the excessive hangovers, the unwelcome reminders that people around you are way younger ("Pulp Fiction? Yeah, I wasn't born then"). Worse still, despite my best efforts to cling on to my youth, at some point I'm going to have to face up to the fact that I'm indeed twice the age as the other people in the queue in Topman. Aargh!!! Might start planning some suitable mid-life crisis antics already.

Mind you I'm not giving up that easily, I reckon I can get away with pretending to be down with the kids for a few years more. Staff in both the failing and prospering supermarkets still seem to mistake me for an underage drinker on occasion which is a bonus (perhaps I should stop rocking up to the counter with a 3 litre bottle of White Lightning though). Work with what you've got I say, age related shopper's remorse can wait. So in my mind I can get away with splashing out £2 on a black belt and £5 on a dress shirt / t shirt hybrid from the clearance section in Topman and Asos.

I'm all over the bargain belt. It fastens through the platted strands of "leather" so I'm not envisaging longevity. I reckon it'll end up costing less than a 100th of a penny per wear though, which is the definition of good value for money. In comparison I've got a shirt from John Lewis that I've still not worn, bought for £50 (FULL PRICE what was I thinking??) for a wedding. Could've bought 25 belts for that. I'd love to have 25 belts. The dress shirt t shirt I'm on the fence with. It seemed a good idea at the time but on reflection I'm not quite sure when I would wear it. I rarely have the need for a dress shirt, and if so it would require a full on dress shirt and not one made out of jersey. It also looks a bit too dressy to wear as a t shirt. Ne'er mind. I'm sure the opportunity will arise. If all else fails I can do chores in a tux.

Another benefit of 'maturing' has been an increasing boldness with colour choices. At one point as a precocious and ever so pretentious teen, I got it in my head that I was only going to wear black from head to toe. What a loser. Nowadays I've amassed a veritable Pantone chart in my wardrobe. I'm a particular fan of jazzy socks and my go to shop is Primark. So much so that I'm more or less guaranteed to be wearing at least one item of Primark clothing every day of the week. They're cheap and ever so jazzy. They don't last very long so all the more reason for topping up. 5 pairs for £4, can't argue with that.

These ones are slightly less jazzy than the orange and pink zebra striped ones I bought last time but colourful Argyle is always welcome. Lately I've also discovered the joys of brightly coloured shoelaces to spruce up formal shoes. £2.99 each on eBay, purple and blue ones bought, full spectrum to follow.

Rather fetching n'est pas?

This year I'm eking out the birthday celebrations so the day itself was a low key affair. Highly enjoyable still though. Maybe I AM showing my age at times after all. I stayed in with a bottle of Rioja and YouTubed all 38 singles that have been number 1 in the charts on my birthday, that includes my actual day of birth, I'm not 38 for another year. Official videos only of course, no live recordings, shitty lyric videos or pointless home made acoustic cover takes. By necessity there are some stinkers in the list but overall there were definitely more killers than fillers and the whole thing was thoroughly enjoyable. Here are the 38 singles:

1978 Take a Chance on Me - ABBA
1979 Heart of Glass - Blondie
1980 Coward of the County - Kenny Rogers
1981 Woman - John Lennon
1982 A Town Called Malice - The Jam
1983 Too Shy - Kajagoogoo
1984 Relax - Frankie Goes To Hollywood
1985 I Know Him So Well - Elaine Paige & Barbara Dickson
1986 When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Going - Billy Ocean
1987 I Knew You Were Waiting for Me - George Michael & Aretha Franklin
1988 I Think We're Alone Now - Tiffany
1989 Something's Gotten Hold of My Heart - Marc Almond & Gene Pitney
1990 Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor
1991 Do the Bartman - Bart Simpson
1992 Goodnight Girl - Wet Wet Wet
1993 No Limit - 2 Unlimited
1994 Without You - Mariah Carey
1995 Think Twice - Celine Dion
1996 Spaceman - Babylon Zoo
1997 Discotheque - U2
1998 Doctor Jones - Aqua
1999 Maria - Blondie
2000 Go Let it Out - Oasis
2001 Whole Again - Atomic Kitten
2002 Hero - Enrique Iglesias
2003 All the Things She Said - t.A.T.u
2004 Take Me to the Clouds Above - LMC vs U2
2005 Sometimes You Can't Make it on Your Own - U2
2006 Thunder in My Heart - MECK ft. Leo Sayer
2007 Grace Kelly - Mika
2008 Now You're Gone - Basshunter
2009 The Fear - Lily Allen
2010 Fireflies - Owl City
2011 Price Tag - Jessie J
2012 Somebody That I Used to Know - Gotye feat. Kimbra
2013 Thrift Shop - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Wanz
2014 Rather Be - Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne
2015 Love Me Like You Do - Ellie Goulding

Random observations:
1978 through to 1990 is stellar, pure class, and a stark reminder of the overall decline in quality musical output since.
I'd forgotten just how excruciatingly bad the video for Think Twice is. She's forlorn, wrapped in a sheet! He's an ice sculptor!
U2 really could churn out any old tripe and get to number 1. They appear 3 times too many for my liking. And Numb wasn't one of them, which would've made it slightly more bearable
Now You're Gone has been watched 164 million times. Lunacy

My favourite year:
2003, closely followed by 1989 and 1979. Faux lesbian Russian teens, say no more

A calamitous event, especially one occurring suddenly and causing great damage

Being a disaster isn't easy. It takes a lot of effort. Years of practice, a relentless suppression of common sense, a method actor's commitment to the cause. At times physically and/or emotionally draining, disaster is not a mantle to assume for the faint-hearted. "You want disaster? Well disaster costs. And right here is where you start paying... in sweat". Debbie Allen knows.

The awards season is upon us, Whiplash for the win goddammit, so in the spirit of things I've prepared a list of those to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for achieving Towering Inferno levels of disaster.

First of all I'd like to thank God, i.e. Michael Stipe, because that's what every self respecting (American) winner would do at the Oscars and if Mr McConaissance himself says so then that's pretty much final. Any potential objection rendered obsolete. In his speech he explained that God "has graced me with opportunities that I know are not of my hand or any other human hand". Here I beg to differ though, God/Stipe has graced me with plenty of opportunities that I know for definite were of my own hand.

Secondly I want to thank my mum (still on the Oscars tip) for providing excellent lineage in the art of spending. Pedigree of the finest order. Honourable mentions also go out to my employers, current and previous, for providing me with the financial foundation to develop into a first class disaster; Asos, Primark, Topman, H&M, River Island, Zara, any other menswear retailer and various manufacturers of electronic equipment for continuing to pour out fuel for the bonfire of disaster; Tinternet for 24 hr shopping; Aviation for the ability for disaster to go global; life itself for providing untold recipes for disaster.

I've put in a Herculean effort for disaster greatness over the last week or so. Like the fluffiest, pinkiest Duracell rabbit I've just kept on going. My excuse: everyone's still peddling sales and we're almost into February. I've bought the following items in quick succession, all crucial purchases obviously, if not for playing the lead, then for providing Oscar worthy supporting roles:

Checked wool blazer from Topman - £22.50

Skinny stretch jeans from Topman - £24

Mustard chinos from Zara - £12.99

Black t-shirt with black patent print from River Islanwd - £5

Yellow printed t-shirt from Pull and Bear - £2.99

White printed t-shirt from Pull and Bear - £2.99

Multicolour printed t-shirt from Pull and Bear - £2.99

Blue wool blazer from Pull and Bear - 2 x £19.99

Green jumper from Asos - £5

So some might say that it's slightly excessive to buy 4 t-shirts in one fell swoop. Not me. Na-ah. Granted, I've got quite a few t-shirts already (disastrous amount to some, capsule collection to me) but I reckon quite a few of them are nearing retirement. I've got my t-shirts divided into two categories: those worthy of being on display and those that need covering up. There's obviously a natural turnover/progression so there's always a need for new starters. Call me a call centre, though not Ant Marketing. I draw the line at that.

The doubling up on the cost of the blue blazer is not an accidental typo. I mean come on. Rather, I made the slightly inexplicable manoeuvre of trying on a medium in the shop, deciding that it didn't fit, and buying a large instead. In the cold light of day, the large is just too big. Maybe I'd had an all you can eat dinner and a KFC family bucket tea that day or something. I grabbed the first opportunity to rectify the situation of course. I've now got a medium sized blazer which does fit, and a large one which requires more calories than Elvis. Oh well, the combined £39.98 for one wearable blazer is still cheaper than the original full price. Besides Elvis might be on the horizon.

I bought the bulk of the clothes in London, spent 5 days of work then leisure there last week. Highlights included dinner at Palomar and a cocktail bar tour of Soho with the mighty Gaspari and the free Daylight Music gig at Union Chapel in Islington. Knowing a fair few people down there has its benefits for sure.

One of the bands performing at Union Chapel was The Papas and The Mamas, a newly formed cover band with none other than Sarah Cracknell of Saint Etienne as a third of the female vocal power. Sadly but unsurprisingly Saint Etienne songs were not on the menu. Afterwards we all congregated in a pub directly behind the chapel and much to my delight The Papas and The Mamas were all in there. At one point I deliberately shuffled sideways so that I was stood next to Sarah Cracknell, just to be able to declare it in a blog like.

I drew the line at that. Regardless of where the person is on the A-Z list of celebrity, I wouldn't be able to think of anything remotely interesting to add to the conversation. Though at some point I might try "Do you know who I look like?". Rupert Cook on the other hand made good use of his encyclopaedic music knowledge and helped Sarah Cracknell out by answering her question about the name of the band whose song was the second one they covered in their mini set. Offspring Rupert said. Thank you Sarah said. Wow he's chatting to Sarah Cracknell and Surely not that Offspring I thought. Turns out there's another Offspring. They should've covered both, a rousing version of Pretty Fly (for a White Guy) would've gone down a treat.

My other celebrity encounters are limited indeed, a really rather embarrassing exchange with Phil Oakey in Gatecrasher ("I remember listening to you when I was a kid" is not cool) and a really rather amusing encounter with a pissed up Guy Garvey in Manchester after a First Aid Kit gig.

My all time favourite celeb moment though involved TV's Dr Christian. They were filming Embarrassing Bodies - the sex special, at Hallam University's fresher fair and working in sexual health promotion at the time, we'd been approached by the production team to provide a stand and represent the local sexual health services. At lunch one of the crew members took me down to the catering room for a free dinner. As we walked in Dr Christian was having a massive rant at the production team, effing and blinding about students asking him questions expecting him to know the answer.  The guy I was with did a loud 'ahem' and introduced me and immediately Dr Christian snapped back into his public persona and politely shook hands.

Maybe being a celeb is more of an effort than being a disaster...