Christmas time (damn those bell ends)

As befits the holiday season I returned to native shores to celebrate Christmas with the family. After enduring a particularly gruelling December, overdosing on festive spirit, the relative quiet of rural Värmland was just what the good doctor ordered. Global warming conspired to create a distinctly green Christmas but a couple of days ago a band of snow swept the southern parts of the country to create a -10C post-Christmas winter wonderland. Pretty, atmospheric and proper Christmassy.

My travelling jinx obviously had to continue; the journey to Scandinavia didn't quite go to plan. The entertainment for the journey was meant to consist of rewatching episodes 1-4 of Car Share, possibly the best commuter comedy ever. Instead my airwaves were completely gazumped by a fellow passenger with questionable social skills and an astonishing lack of self awareness. Word: douchebag. Before I had the chance to fasten my seatbelt she opened the floodgates to an endless stream of verbal diarrhoea of the stinkiest, unsolid kind. A big fat 7 in the Bristol stool chart. Praise the Lord we weren't embarking on a long haul.

Turned out we were both Swedes travelling back for the holidays but there the similarities end. Over the course of the WHOLE flight she kept rambling on about herself and her first world plight. My polite disinterest in her 'conversation' went unnoticed, or maybe it fuelled the fire. 

She's a dentist who's lived in London for a few years, having emigrated to do a masters in at UCL. The professors there weren't very helpful so she also had support from her professor at Sahlgrenska with whom she had a much more productive relationship. She's wanting to meet up with him over Christmas as she hasn't seen him for 4 years. She's in two minds over a suitable present. He's 85 years old so she's thinking to take him out for dinner at a fancy restaurant because people of that age already have everything they want, don't they? He drinks wine though, he told her once. She doesn't drink much at the moment herself, she had to put her social life on hold during her studies which were very demanding. She does go for brunch with her neighbours on a Saturday, after playing tennis with the male part of the coupling. He's a retired accountant and helps her with her books. It's really important to keep fit. It's also really important to eat well - home cooking with fresh ingredients. She loves fish. She's from Gothenburg so grew up round fish. Her family still lives in Gothenburg. They haven't been to visit yet, her studies were very demanding so she couldn't afford to take time off to show her parents round London. Or to socialise. She knows people in the UK though, she has friends in Plymouth, Nottingham and York. Travelling in the UK is quite expensive. Her friend in York is also a Swedish dentist, she's got a practice in Scarborough. Unlike her York friend she's not sure if she wants to stay in the UK long term. Having initially rented a 2 bed flat in Chelsea for 400 quid a month from a dental patient's ex-wife who was relocating to Australia and wanted a respectable tenant, she recently bought a flat overlooking Hampstead Heath. The flat is really lovely so she's reluctant to let it out and she doesn't want to sell it. She's tempted to continue with her studies though and she could do that in either England or Sweden. It'd be free to study back home and she hasn't got that much money at the moment, having completed her demanding masters and bought the Hampstead flat, so Swedish studies are tempting. She needs to have a chat with her old professor to get his input as to where to study. He's really well known in the world of international dentistry. He used to write articles for the British Dental Journal but he's retired now. His English is excellent. He helped her with her thesis as his English is better than hers. Her English is good enough though and she's found a job in a private clinic. She takes a packed lunch as her busy schedule makes it difficult to nip out to get lunch, plus she's still getting back to healthy finances after her very demanding studies and Hampstead flat purchase. She's hoping to save up a bit of cash to go on holiday next year with her friend. She hasn't been on holiday since starting her demanding masters. Her dad has just come back from a trip to Thailand, Vietnam and Burma, and she's quite keen on Thailand. It's all about the money though, she also likes shopping. Particularly at one specific shop in Gothenburg, she bought a pair of black boots there. She wore them to travel in. 

That's a pretty accurate summary of her 90 minute monologue, my infrequent contribution amounted to highlighting that not everyone is in the position to buy a flat in a sought after area in London and declining the invitation to brainstorm suitable Christmas presents for the professor. Oh, and repeatedly saying that I'm no longer a student. Once arrived I cunningly tried to shake her off at the luggage belt but the little minx managed to retrieve her suitcase in time to hop on the same shuttle bus. Another 30 mins of earache. Unlucky for some.

The bell end didn't ruin Christmas though and for the rest of the holidays I enjoyed the more dulcit tones of Christmas songs old and new. I also revisited a pile of my old vinyl albums. My dad has bought a massive floor standing contemporary jukebox with snazzy lights and a fully functioning record player. That's it there spinning The (newly Spotified) Beatles' red album.

A surprising realisation about my collection of vinyl was the overall standard. Never one for pretending that my choice in music is 'cool' or 'hip', I'm not ashamed to say that I own Milli Vanilli's Girl You Know It's True (gatefold) album. There are nevertheless some absolute classics right there - Like A Prayer, Raw Like Sushi, Thriller, Actually. And James Bond's Greatest Hits.

Back in the day, most of my albums, vinyl then CD, were purchased in Karlstad. The big city for us small town folk. My mum worked extra in a clothes shop there in the late 80s, just as my record buying was gathering momentum. We used to to along on a regular basis, perusing the record shops whilst she worked. Amongst other things I bought Green by R.E.M. on US import CD which came in those odd rectangular paper outer sleeves, and a box set of the entire Aerosmith back catalogue just for Dream On. Hit and miss.

Despite now living in an actual big city, I still do an annual Christmas sales pilgrimage to Karlstad. Clothes not records the stock in trade nowadays. I came across these on Boxing Day.

A shirt from Dressmann, 150 SEK/£11.50, down from 400 SEK. Nice pattern. A purple jumper from H&M, half price at 150 SEK. Excellent colour.

So after a rather ear splitting start, Christmas turned out alright in the end. And the return journey was bell free and Peter Kay full. 'Ave it!

Out with the old, in with the new

As if the election campaign anno 2015 wasn't ridiculous enough, the last week or so has seen some exceptionally stupendous/misjudged/downright offensive incidents in the name of politics and shameless self promotion.

First off, everyone's favourite people's champion, plain speaking, no-nonsense defender of all things proper British Nigel Farage took part in the conveniently re-branded 'Opposition leader's TV debate' following Cameron's massively cowardice (and suitably cuntish) decision not to take part. Unable to defend your government's policies by any chance?? Thankfully parts of the audience booed and jeered the twerp when he wheeled out the same old tired message about immigration and the drain on public resources. What happened next was baffling, even by his shit standards, as he proceeded to lambast the audience and the Beeb (quite possibly the greatest institution in the world by the way), exclaiming "There just seems to be a total lack of comprehension on this panel and on indeed this audience, which is a remarkable audience even by the left-wing standards of the BBC. I mean this lot is pretty left-wing, believe me." By doing so he hit on one of my biggest bug bears of any political discussion, particularly but not exclusively on social media. The notion that wanting the best for everyone in society, having compassion for people's circumstances, valuing differences and caring for local communities somehow automatically makes you anti-business, a radical Marxist or the rebirth of Mao Tse-Tung. "Most of the people in the audience had made up their minds, and were dead against me" Farage moaned to the Daily Hate Mail afterwards. Surely, I mean surely, that can't come as a surprise to the little cretin. He can't even go for Sunday lunch with his family without a spot of heckling to boot. The vast majority is dead against you chuck.

Then there were the wholly unwelcome, unnecessary and inflammatory comments by fuckwit rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins. As a strictly non-Sun reader, it had completely passed me by that Hopkins had managed to blag herself a column in the despicable tabloid. In the cold light of day her appointment makes perfect sense, a match made in heaven if there ever was one. Don't want to lower myself to re-print her uber-offensive sentiments, suffice to say she holds anyone who experiences war, genocide or persecution with great contempt. BECAUSE IT'S CLEARLY THEIR OWN FAULT!!! Massive see you next Tuesday. And The Sun are even bigger ones for printing the column in the first place. If you're of sane mind and judgement you should sign the petition calling for her to be removed over on Change.org.

Finally, and most disappointingly, the previously flawless and untouchable Madonna. Fresh from releasing a shit album and barely scraping the top 40 with a shit single, despite tonnes of free publicity courtesy of Giorgio Armani's cape, she has plunged to new depths of desperation by publicly declaring her admiration for Margaret Thatcher on Instagram of all places. An extremely poor decision, even for a publicity parasite. Amidst an election campaign it can be seen as a half hearted backing of Tory politics, intentionally or not. There's been a distinct lack of intention with anything Madonna has done for the last decade so I'm guessing it's the latter. The demise is palpable. Worse still is her justification for her admiration: "If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing." The Iron Lady may well have had a steely determination and an inability to compromise but that's not necessarily cause for celebration. The exact same thing can be said for any dictator out there, past or present, with or without a penchant for killing millions of innocent people. Maybe Madge has a fetish for them too. Maybe Dress You Up was about smothering Robert Mugabe in lace gowns and Boy Toy belts or Justify My Love a plea to Pol Pot to shag her on a cross-country train?

Madonna aside, there are promising signs that at least 50% of the country has had enough of this particular coalition and will choose to elect a new government come 7 May. Fingers crossed I say. We'll probably have a different form of coalition, or some other form of minority run government, thats fine by me. I very much doubt that Nicola Sturgeon is the anti-christ and anything that gets Cameron and Osborne out of Downing Street is good with me. Minority rules anyway. And I'm not exactly a huge fan of Red Ed either but at least he seems to act with a degree of dignity, as opposed to the current PM who shamelessly used his late disabled son as a political tool. Besides, we're not America, we're not voting for an individual prime minister, we're voting for government policies preceded over by a a large number of MPs, propped up by an even larger army of civil servants. So even if Miliband doesn't appear to be PM material, his party represents a fairer take on society, one that isn't so blatantly favouring the toffs and disgustingly rich. Out with the old, in with the new.

New is good, new is exciting, new is not the same as before, new gives us the kick up the arse we sometimes need, new means joy and happiness. I love new. So much so that I've spent a considerable amount of time with new over recent weeks. My bank account still bleeds. Anyone offended by gluttony may want to stop reading now.

My kind friends clobbed together for an Asos voucher for my birthday and I've finally got round to spending it. Hooray! All 5 items were in the sale of course but with the voucher value taken off, I only had to pay 7 quid of my own money. What I got for it was a pair of blue brogues by Red Tape (whoever they are), a grey polo with mustard and navy trimmings by Bellfield (whoever they are), a black jumper with a shoulder zip by Asos, a white, black and blue checked shirt by Asos and a red shirt by French Connection. Now that's what I call value for money.


I came across this little number from Zara on eBay, emphasis on little, I can only just squeeze in to it. Used but not particularly noticeably so and for £8 I'd happily wear someone else's rejects, albeit with a very thin layer of clothing underneath.

Deep purple polo from River Island, £5 in the sale.


Black stretch skinny jeans from Topman. I say black, they're not quite black black, and in a funny material, definitely not denim as we know it. Nevertheless they were £12 down from £40, making it a whopping 70% off. Maybe the not denim put others off. Their loss entirely.

Jazzy socks from Topman, a pound each in the sale. I just can't get enough.

18 polka dot buttons each in white/red and navy/white, 20p each from Liberty. The sales assistant looked at me with polite surprise when I declared my intention to buy 36 buttons from her, enquiring as to what my plans were for such an unusual amount of buttons. I replied that I'm planning on changing the plain, standard buttons on a few shirts to these jolly ones. She approved. And here's the first batch:

Black polo from H&M for £7.99 and white polo from River Island for £5. They've spruced up quite nicely I reckon. They don't call me Gok for nothing (or ask to have their picture taken with me during training courses to show their family they've been trained by Gok).

I've not just been spending money on clothing recently though, all things new is good. Was rather randomly given a king size duvet from John Lewis absolutely free, unfortunately such things don't happen often enough, so went out and bought new bedding for it. I'd amassed a fair amount of Tesco Clubcard vouchers so bought this duvet set for £11 in the sale.

Also bought a new pair of Philips earphones for running at £17.99.

I've got really awkward ears. Not a scientifically proven fact but for some reason most earphones pop out during movement. These ones boldly declared that they're guaranteed not to fall out. Bull shit. The fuckers don't last 3 steps before they're dangling in my outer ear. Thank god I paid for them with Clubcard vouchers.

Whilst on the running tip, I felt the need to buy some weighing scales to check progress. I'm not particularly running to lose weight but figured with the amount of exercise I do I ought to shed some pounds. A significant portion of my wardrobe, as well as my mirror, seemed to disagree though so to settle the score I acquired the scales for £12.99 from Argos. Unfortunately the wardrobe and mirror were right, I've not lost any weight at all since starting running well over a year ago. Quite the opposite. Maybe eating loads of cake, and biscuits, and crisps, and sweets, does have an impact after all. Duh!

Spurred on by my weight confirmation I went out and bought some weights the other day. Mainly to tone up my moobs before having to resort to wearing man bras. Argos own weights for £17.99. I've always hated going to the gym so chances are it'll be a short-lived fad but with a bit of grit and determination I may succeed in having a body like Arnie. Nowt to do about the Denzil face though.

Finally, and there is an end to the spending madness, a couple of things for my upcoming holiday to South Korea. It's gonna be great. I've  already planned which movies I'm gonna watch on the flight across: The Imitation Game and Leviathan between Manchester and Doha and Nightcrawler and Winter Sleep for the Doha-Seoul leg. I've been taking YouTube lessons in basic Korean so I can now say 'annyong haseyo' (hello), 'annyong-hi geseyo' (goodbye) and 'gamsahamnida' (thank you). At least I can say it in my head. My tongue and vocal chords may not follow. I've booked a free guided tour through Meteor Youth Club, a fantastic service provided by student volunteers. They get to practice English and show their city in all its glory, I get to go round venues and areas of choice in the company of someone who knows their way round. It's a total win win. I was able to choose the type of tour I'd like - culture, history, attractions, sport etc. I naturally chose shopping and food. Other plans include going to a 4DX cinema, unfortunately to see the new Avengers movie, going to the world's largest IMAX screen, hopefully not to see the new Avengers movie again, strolling along the old fortress walls, going for runs along the Han river, eating my body weight in Korean street food at Gwangjang food market and having a posh lunch at Jungsik.

Just in case I get bored I bought a couple of books from the Amazon marketplace, both used at £2.80 each:

"The Two Hotel Francoforts" by David Leavitt. I've read quite a few of his books, "Martin Bauman", "The Page Turner" and "The Lost Language of Cranes" are all awesome, but his recent output hasn't caught my attention. I figured I'd give this one a whirl though. "Call Me By Your Name" by Andre Aciman featured on a couple of book lists I came across and the premise sounds right up my street. The copy I bought is on a permanent loan from Newark library which I'm not really happy about. Might have to send it back to them when I'm done. Bet they'll refuse to accept it though.

I also had to buy a new suitcase as I currently don't own one. The old one went with my ex when we parted ways and rather aptly it's now ended up on the scrap. I'm loathed to spend money on things I have limited use for so £22.99 from Argos was a necessity rather than choice.

So congratulations if you made it to the end. And don't forget to vote on May 7. Although if you're siding with the Tory/UKIP axis of hell, please do forget about voting altogether, and encourage other like minded people to do the same. I know it's a democracy and everything but really just piss off. New is good, new is great.

Ack Värmeland du sköna

For many years I've pondered the concept of home. Is it 'where the heart is' or 'wherever I lay my hat' or 'Tennessee Mountain' or something altogether different? I'm just back from a brief sojourn to the motherland and I've only just emerged from my customary, temporary, heightened state of flux where home is a duplicity. Sheffield is my home as an independent grown up, where I pay rent and tax (but not allowed to vote) and spend most of my money and days. Damn fine city too, on the move I tell thee, I won't have a bad word said about it.

At the same time home proper is always going to be Sweden, the old and free, the crown in Svea's empire of nations. Sweden provides my identity and I shall carry an unflinching sense of Swedishness with me to the day I die. Most people who have spent time in my presence would probably testify to my penchant for Swedo-gushing at any given opportunity, particularly its relative superiority in comparison with neighbouring countries. Having lived as an ex-pat for the majority of my adult life, I fully acknowledge that I regard Sweden through rose tinted (Superdry Caine) glasses. A sprinkling of xenophobia is allowed in my book. In fairness though it's far from a perfect utopia. It's got its flaws and problems like anywhere else, but it's beautifully flawed, inhabited by a population of confidence-reducing beauty. In short a supreme place to be.

I'm an ardent advocate of Sweden as a tourist destination. Few places have such a multi-dimensional and multi-faceted impact on the senses. Breathtaking is an overused term but highly applicable when describing the vistas that Sweden offers. Spectacular landscapes are all around, from the mountain regions of the North to the yellow rapeseed plains of the south. It doesn't matter where you are, on the coast or inland, mother nature is right there by your side. Free of charge. With an abundance of fresh air and botanical odours. And you get four distinct seasons, just as God the creator intended. If you've not been yet you should make it a priority. The world's most punctual airline gets you there on the cheap. And on time. Or if you've got a bigger budget you can pay a bit more and help the ailing Scandinavian Airlines stay in business.

When it comes to Sweden as a country of residence the picture is a bit different. It's a ridiculously regulated society. In some respects that's a good thing, there's a form of social discipline ingrained in folk in general, but it can also be stifling, especially for individuals who don't fit with Swedish norms. There's an unwritten 'law' that Swedes are meant to abide by called Jantelagen, which basically dictates that people shouldn't think they're something or someone. Any action, behaviour or lifestyle that's lacking humility or restraint is generally frowned upon. Boasting might as well be a criminal offence. For all its reputation as a liberal country, it's strangely judgemental and intolerant. In a respectful and mild mannered way of course.

The good far outweighs the bad mind. Never a stranger to a list, here's my top 10 reasons why Sweden is fantastic

1. Värmland - My home county so I'm biased and not afraid to say that it's the best county in Sweden. Varied and interesting countryside, mixing hilly forests, sprawling farm lands and more than 3000 lakes. The dialect is one of a kind, full of charm whilst perplexing and a source of amusement to anyone not from there. The birthplace of Selma Lagerlöf, Gustaf Fröding, Zarah Leander and Sven Göran Eriksson, Värmland has its own song 'Ack Värmeland, du Sköna', dating back to the early 1800s. A beautiful, haunting and wistful piece of music, it's quite possibly my favourite song of all time. I want it played at my funeral, on repeat.

2. Swedish pop - Pop music is serious business in Sweden. There's no coincidence that the Swedish music exports are worth more than 150 million US dollars every year, the largest per capita in the world. I LOVE Swedish pop, I literally can't live without it. A day without a few spins of Swedish tones is simply a shit day. Of course everyone knows Abba, rightly so. Most will probably remember Roxette, The Cardigans and Ace of Base. Avicii is a Swede. And if the world wasn't so feckle, Robyn would be bigger than Rihanna and Beyonce combined. But there's so much more to enjoy, you could do worse than investigate some, or all, of the following: Kent, The Knife, Fever Ray, Army of Lovers, Laleh, Tove Styrke, Sophie Zelmani, Lili & Sussie/Susie, Lykke Li, Freddie Wadling, Tove Lo, The Sounds, Alcazar, Amanda Jenssen, The Ark, Anna Ternheim, Miss Li, Lars Winnerbäck, Christian Kjellvander, Titiyo, BWO, Stina Nordenstam, Agnes, Loreen, Stockholm Syndrome, Weeping Willows, Mando Diao. And throw in a bit of Dr Alban for good measure.

3. Equality - As a country, Sweden's commitment to equality and fairness is really rather evident in everyday life. Gender equality is norm, it's legally binding to promote gender equality in education, and discrimination on any basis is strongly opposed. Legislation has helped drive social change, women were given the right to vote in the early 1920s and homosexuality was de-criminalised in 1944 (though it remained a mental health condition til 1979). One of the best examples of Swedish attitudes of today is this clip from the annual QX Gay Gala, where awards are given to Homo and Hetero of the Year amongst others.

Amazing. Can't quite imagine Prince Charles doing the same somehow.

4. Feministiskt Initiativ - So gender equality is meant to be the norm but of course true equality will never happen as long as we live in a patriarchal society. The feminist movement will rage on for many years therefore. In Sweden there's now a mainstream political party, Feministiskt Initiativ, based on feminist ideals and the equality for all agenda. In last year's European Parliament election they gained their first MEP and narrowly missed out on a place in Swedish Parliament in the September elections. Roll on 2018!

5. Allemansrätten - The freedom to roam legislation grants the general public access to roam around freely on public or privately owned land for the purpose of recreation. Everyone loves a roam.You can basically roam on any land that isn't someone's garden. This means that people can go for hikes, bike, ski, camp out, visit small idyllic beaches and pick wild mushrooms and berries in the countryside, for free, regardless of who actually owns the land in question. Everyone needs to roam responsibly though - the motto is 'do not disturb, do not destroy'.

6. The welfare state - It's definitely not as welfarey as it used to be but it's still damned good, particularly around parental leave and unemployment benefits. The top tax rate for the stinking rich is 60%. Word! Long may it continue.

7. Swedish meatballs - Easily the best meatball there is. I consume on a monthly basis, never deviating from the simple recipe. Some things don't require change.

8. Retail giants - Clearly not everyone's cup of tea, but Swedish global retail giants Ikea and H&M have made the world just a little bit better. Cheap furniture, 'fun' flatpacks, cheap meatballs and hot dogs, the Swedish food shop, dubious nazi connections. Cheap clothes, dubious sweatshop factories. What more can you ask for?

As the protracted Sheffield branch of Ikea is yet to open, I visited the store in Karlstad, Värmland whilst at home. Bought some cheap tea towels for £1.50.

Also bought a cushion inner to go with a previously purchased cushion cover. At the time I picked up the wrong size inner, much to my chagrin, so I've not been able to use the cushion. The inner was meant to have cost £1.50 but I somehow failed to scan the barcode at the self service till which meant that I inadvertently shop lifted it. Criminal.

I also picked up a blue jumper for £8 in the sale in KappAhl, a clothes chain similar to Next in approach and offerings.

Good colour. I also bought a pair of trousers for the same price in KappAhl. The random sales rack proved rather fruitful.

Going back to H&M, I was killing some time in town after work last Friday so strolled in to their shop in Sheffield city centre and this jumper was directly in my eye line. Deliberated for all of 10 seconds before heading to the tills. £14.99 it set me back. Worth it I reckon.

9. Stockholm - One of my favourite cities in the whole wide world, despite all the pretentious 08or that inhabit it

10. It's not Norway, say no more.