I'm disaster and I know it

According to The Guardian's TV reviewer, I'm a disaster as I buy t-shirts by the truckload. I disagree. A quick wardrobe count reveals that I've broken the centenary landmark which I don't think ranks as Towering Inferno levels of disaster, although capsule collection it definitely ain't.

The humble t-shirt is by far my favourite item of clothing, in the menswear stakes it's second only to footwear. We can all thank the US Navy for creating an undergarment for their uniforms during the Spanish-American war. Or maybe Marlon Brando for tearing up the screen in the iconic white t-shirt in A Streetcar Named Desire. Whilst the shape and fabric choices haven't altered much since the original garments, its place in fashion certainly has. And thank god for that, I can't imagine anything worse than having to don the Sunday suit for going down to t'club for pints and billiards on a Friday night. A t-shirt is altogether easier to wear and feel at ease wearing.

A good few years back I discovered the joys of screen printing using fabric paint. I churned out a substantial amount of t shirts, very few people avoided receiving a printed garment for birthday or christmas, as opposed to a proper present. I even sold one, a design hailing the stylings of the moustache featuring Burt Reynolds caught someone's eye in the pub. 20 quid easily made.

I say easily, in reality it was nothing but. The printing technique I used involved cutting out stencils (time consuming) for the print design and carefully placing these on to the fabric. I then utilised a mesh screen and a squeegee to apply the paint. Often the print would smudge so I'd either have to rectify using paintbrushes (time consuming) or start over with a new t shirt and stencil (effing time consuming). So I fell out with screen printing altogether.

Recently I made a (for me) revolutionary discovery. You can create your own t-shirts and have them printed for a relatively cheap cost. I'll be damned! Print companies have obviously been doing this for donkeys but somehow I didn't make the connection, I figured they only sell to hen and stag dos. So once I realised I could rediscover my t-shirt mojo, I've unsurprisingly gone to town. I'm disaster and I know it. I've got 5 of them so far, I used Vistaprint and Streetshirts, another batch is at the printers, and I've got at least another 2 designs that are yet to be realised.

I came across the phrase on Facebook and immediately thought I need to 'borrow' that one. Such an apt statement. The world would be a better place if it was just a font and not some minimally talented pop starlet.

I love Madonna. Love, love, love. The first album of hers I bought was True Blue on cassette in Seoul in 1987 so as a homage I figured I'd create a replica of the t-shirt she wears in the Papa Don't Preach video when she first locks eyes with the mulleted hunk whose baby she's keeping. Stone cold classic, song, video, the lot.

I recently went to the excellent Daydreaming with Stanley Kubrick exhibition at Somerset House, combining works in a range of media, inspired by Kubrick and his movies. This painting by Paul Insect which riffs on A Clockwork Orange caught my eye and channelling my inner Julian Opie, I set about recreating the design in Photoshop. The copyright infringing end result is one I'm particularly chuffed with,

Sam Fox featured prominently in my adolescence. In my case it was obviously not for her sizeable bosoms, rather for her musical output. Say what?!?!?! Yes siree, I had her first 3 albums, as well as the remix version of her first album. Her singles were all corkers, album tracks more quality diverse, more often than not referencing her page 3 past with titles such as Touch Me (I Want To Feel Your Body), Naughty Girls (Need Love Too), Hurt Me, Hurt Me (But The Pants Stay On), Love House, and Do Ya, Do Ya (Wanna Please Me). The Sam Fox appreciation society starts here. 

Another pop music reference. This time riffing the often used way of printing the members of classic bands. What better way to chart the most ridiculous band (in terms of fall outs and line up changes) in pop history, the Sugababes. I might sell the design concept to Mutya to add to her Sugababes stationery range. 

This is essentially why I love t-shirts, using the blank canvas you can go create whatever you want. A funny t-shirt, a poignant t-shirt, a celebratory t-shirt, a promotional t-shirt. And Sam Fox. People have the power

World leader pretend

About this time 24 years ago I picked up a copy of R.E.M.'s Out Of Time from a record store in Arvika, Sweden. I was there as part of SK Sifhälla's P77 football team playing in a tournament (which we won). I'd come across the Losing My Religion video on MTV a few months earlier and was simply blown away. Whatta tune, whatta man, whatta bonkers video. Buying the album was a no brainer, and boy did I reap the rewards. By the time Automatic For The People was released the following year I was hooked. I mopped up their entire back catalogue, bar Chronic Town, couldn't quite get my monthly parental allowance to stretch that far. I searched high and low for rarities, video recordings, bootlegs, posters, whatever I could get my hands on. No magazine rack was safe, literally. My sixth form library quite generously subscribed to NME, and most editions had a nasty habit of finding a convenient hiding place in my bag.

I saw them live for the first time during the Monster tour, at Stockholm's Maritime Museum, with The Bends-era Radiohead providing support. Possibly the best live gig double whammy ever. Thom Yorke's vocal causing time to stand still during Street Spirit, Michael Stipe going nuts in It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine). Seriously unreal. In total I went to 10 R.E.M. concerts in 7 different countries, and only the very last one, at Berlin's Waldbuhne, was a bit of a dud. Not even Stipe could get enthused by Around The Sun.

R.E.M. have provided an omnipresent soundtrack to the vast majority of my life, from compiling mix tapes for my portable cassette player at GCSE to streaming tunes through Swift-less Spotify as a responsible adult. As a result, listing an R.E.M. top 10 is a tricky proposition but I'd say these are the ones I've played the most:

Wolves, Lower
Perfect Circle
So. Central Rain
Pretty Persuasion
Feeling Gravitys Pull
Begin The Begin
Losing My Religion
Country Feedback
Drive
Bang And Blame

My tastes have fluctuated since my first introduction to music in the form of Wham's Make It Big, courtesy of my sister. Had a proper grunge phase in the early 90s, long hair, flannel shirts, the lot. A few things remain constant though - Swedish pop, Kent, Madonna and R.E.M.

And Michael Stipe is pretty much god. As a precocious teen I was proper obsessed. Couldn't get enough of the man. Even tried to dress like him. Inspired by the What's The Frequency Kenneth? video I acquired a pair of black boots and baggy black jeans in Stockholm, and ordered an original red star t shirt from the US of A. Coolness personified, world leader pretend.

I've since discarded the red star t shirt, unceremoniously dumped on the scrap heap as I briefly embraced 'club wear' no doubt. So as a way of coercing myself to pick up the screen printing gear, I decided to recreate the iconic t shirt, but in black to stay true to the Kenneth video.

I've not done any screen printing for years, which shows. At least close up. Anticipating the potential for a printing disaster, I went all out and spent £2.50 on the t shirt from Primark. Good move. Believing in your ability is one thing, preparing for eventualities is always sensible. Or what say thee Kenneth?

Out with the old, in with the new

As if the election campaign anno 2015 wasn't ridiculous enough, the last week or so has seen some exceptionally stupendous/misjudged/downright offensive incidents in the name of politics and shameless self promotion.

First off, everyone's favourite people's champion, plain speaking, no-nonsense defender of all things proper British Nigel Farage took part in the conveniently re-branded 'Opposition leader's TV debate' following Cameron's massively cowardice (and suitably cuntish) decision not to take part. Unable to defend your government's policies by any chance?? Thankfully parts of the audience booed and jeered the twerp when he wheeled out the same old tired message about immigration and the drain on public resources. What happened next was baffling, even by his shit standards, as he proceeded to lambast the audience and the Beeb (quite possibly the greatest institution in the world by the way), exclaiming "There just seems to be a total lack of comprehension on this panel and on indeed this audience, which is a remarkable audience even by the left-wing standards of the BBC. I mean this lot is pretty left-wing, believe me." By doing so he hit on one of my biggest bug bears of any political discussion, particularly but not exclusively on social media. The notion that wanting the best for everyone in society, having compassion for people's circumstances, valuing differences and caring for local communities somehow automatically makes you anti-business, a radical Marxist or the rebirth of Mao Tse-Tung. "Most of the people in the audience had made up their minds, and were dead against me" Farage moaned to the Daily Hate Mail afterwards. Surely, I mean surely, that can't come as a surprise to the little cretin. He can't even go for Sunday lunch with his family without a spot of heckling to boot. The vast majority is dead against you chuck.

Then there were the wholly unwelcome, unnecessary and inflammatory comments by fuckwit rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins. As a strictly non-Sun reader, it had completely passed me by that Hopkins had managed to blag herself a column in the despicable tabloid. In the cold light of day her appointment makes perfect sense, a match made in heaven if there ever was one. Don't want to lower myself to re-print her uber-offensive sentiments, suffice to say she holds anyone who experiences war, genocide or persecution with great contempt. BECAUSE IT'S CLEARLY THEIR OWN FAULT!!! Massive see you next Tuesday. And The Sun are even bigger ones for printing the column in the first place. If you're of sane mind and judgement you should sign the petition calling for her to be removed over on Change.org.

Finally, and most disappointingly, the previously flawless and untouchable Madonna. Fresh from releasing a shit album and barely scraping the top 40 with a shit single, despite tonnes of free publicity courtesy of Giorgio Armani's cape, she has plunged to new depths of desperation by publicly declaring her admiration for Margaret Thatcher on Instagram of all places. An extremely poor decision, even for a publicity parasite. Amidst an election campaign it can be seen as a half hearted backing of Tory politics, intentionally or not. There's been a distinct lack of intention with anything Madonna has done for the last decade so I'm guessing it's the latter. The demise is palpable. Worse still is her justification for her admiration: "If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing." The Iron Lady may well have had a steely determination and an inability to compromise but that's not necessarily cause for celebration. The exact same thing can be said for any dictator out there, past or present, with or without a penchant for killing millions of innocent people. Maybe Madge has a fetish for them too. Maybe Dress You Up was about smothering Robert Mugabe in lace gowns and Boy Toy belts or Justify My Love a plea to Pol Pot to shag her on a cross-country train?

Madonna aside, there are promising signs that at least 50% of the country has had enough of this particular coalition and will choose to elect a new government come 7 May. Fingers crossed I say. We'll probably have a different form of coalition, or some other form of minority run government, thats fine by me. I very much doubt that Nicola Sturgeon is the anti-christ and anything that gets Cameron and Osborne out of Downing Street is good with me. Minority rules anyway. And I'm not exactly a huge fan of Red Ed either but at least he seems to act with a degree of dignity, as opposed to the current PM who shamelessly used his late disabled son as a political tool. Besides, we're not America, we're not voting for an individual prime minister, we're voting for government policies preceded over by a a large number of MPs, propped up by an even larger army of civil servants. So even if Miliband doesn't appear to be PM material, his party represents a fairer take on society, one that isn't so blatantly favouring the toffs and disgustingly rich. Out with the old, in with the new.

New is good, new is exciting, new is not the same as before, new gives us the kick up the arse we sometimes need, new means joy and happiness. I love new. So much so that I've spent a considerable amount of time with new over recent weeks. My bank account still bleeds. Anyone offended by gluttony may want to stop reading now.

My kind friends clobbed together for an Asos voucher for my birthday and I've finally got round to spending it. Hooray! All 5 items were in the sale of course but with the voucher value taken off, I only had to pay 7 quid of my own money. What I got for it was a pair of blue brogues by Red Tape (whoever they are), a grey polo with mustard and navy trimmings by Bellfield (whoever they are), a black jumper with a shoulder zip by Asos, a white, black and blue checked shirt by Asos and a red shirt by French Connection. Now that's what I call value for money.


I came across this little number from Zara on eBay, emphasis on little, I can only just squeeze in to it. Used but not particularly noticeably so and for £8 I'd happily wear someone else's rejects, albeit with a very thin layer of clothing underneath.

Deep purple polo from River Island, £5 in the sale.


Black stretch skinny jeans from Topman. I say black, they're not quite black black, and in a funny material, definitely not denim as we know it. Nevertheless they were £12 down from £40, making it a whopping 70% off. Maybe the not denim put others off. Their loss entirely.

Jazzy socks from Topman, a pound each in the sale. I just can't get enough.

18 polka dot buttons each in white/red and navy/white, 20p each from Liberty. The sales assistant looked at me with polite surprise when I declared my intention to buy 36 buttons from her, enquiring as to what my plans were for such an unusual amount of buttons. I replied that I'm planning on changing the plain, standard buttons on a few shirts to these jolly ones. She approved. And here's the first batch:

Black polo from H&M for £7.99 and white polo from River Island for £5. They've spruced up quite nicely I reckon. They don't call me Gok for nothing (or ask to have their picture taken with me during training courses to show their family they've been trained by Gok).

I've not just been spending money on clothing recently though, all things new is good. Was rather randomly given a king size duvet from John Lewis absolutely free, unfortunately such things don't happen often enough, so went out and bought new bedding for it. I'd amassed a fair amount of Tesco Clubcard vouchers so bought this duvet set for £11 in the sale.

Also bought a new pair of Philips earphones for running at £17.99.

I've got really awkward ears. Not a scientifically proven fact but for some reason most earphones pop out during movement. These ones boldly declared that they're guaranteed not to fall out. Bull shit. The fuckers don't last 3 steps before they're dangling in my outer ear. Thank god I paid for them with Clubcard vouchers.

Whilst on the running tip, I felt the need to buy some weighing scales to check progress. I'm not particularly running to lose weight but figured with the amount of exercise I do I ought to shed some pounds. A significant portion of my wardrobe, as well as my mirror, seemed to disagree though so to settle the score I acquired the scales for £12.99 from Argos. Unfortunately the wardrobe and mirror were right, I've not lost any weight at all since starting running well over a year ago. Quite the opposite. Maybe eating loads of cake, and biscuits, and crisps, and sweets, does have an impact after all. Duh!

Spurred on by my weight confirmation I went out and bought some weights the other day. Mainly to tone up my moobs before having to resort to wearing man bras. Argos own weights for £17.99. I've always hated going to the gym so chances are it'll be a short-lived fad but with a bit of grit and determination I may succeed in having a body like Arnie. Nowt to do about the Denzil face though.

Finally, and there is an end to the spending madness, a couple of things for my upcoming holiday to South Korea. It's gonna be great. I've  already planned which movies I'm gonna watch on the flight across: The Imitation Game and Leviathan between Manchester and Doha and Nightcrawler and Winter Sleep for the Doha-Seoul leg. I've been taking YouTube lessons in basic Korean so I can now say 'annyong haseyo' (hello), 'annyong-hi geseyo' (goodbye) and 'gamsahamnida' (thank you). At least I can say it in my head. My tongue and vocal chords may not follow. I've booked a free guided tour through Meteor Youth Club, a fantastic service provided by student volunteers. They get to practice English and show their city in all its glory, I get to go round venues and areas of choice in the company of someone who knows their way round. It's a total win win. I was able to choose the type of tour I'd like - culture, history, attractions, sport etc. I naturally chose shopping and food. Other plans include going to a 4DX cinema, unfortunately to see the new Avengers movie, going to the world's largest IMAX screen, hopefully not to see the new Avengers movie again, strolling along the old fortress walls, going for runs along the Han river, eating my body weight in Korean street food at Gwangjang food market and having a posh lunch at Jungsik.

Just in case I get bored I bought a couple of books from the Amazon marketplace, both used at £2.80 each:

"The Two Hotel Francoforts" by David Leavitt. I've read quite a few of his books, "Martin Bauman", "The Page Turner" and "The Lost Language of Cranes" are all awesome, but his recent output hasn't caught my attention. I figured I'd give this one a whirl though. "Call Me By Your Name" by Andre Aciman featured on a couple of book lists I came across and the premise sounds right up my street. The copy I bought is on a permanent loan from Newark library which I'm not really happy about. Might have to send it back to them when I'm done. Bet they'll refuse to accept it though.

I also had to buy a new suitcase as I currently don't own one. The old one went with my ex when we parted ways and rather aptly it's now ended up on the scrap. I'm loathed to spend money on things I have limited use for so £22.99 from Argos was a necessity rather than choice.

So congratulations if you made it to the end. And don't forget to vote on May 7. Although if you're siding with the Tory/UKIP axis of hell, please do forget about voting altogether, and encourage other like minded people to do the same. I know it's a democracy and everything but really just piss off. New is good, new is great.