Constant craving

Today at dinner time, lunch if you're not from t'up north, I took the “What's the right diet for you?” test as promoted on BBC's homepage. Beats reading depressing/biased/misrepresented world news. Plus I'd already browsed the red carpet looks from the Golden Globes before going to work. I had a sneaky feeling about the outcome of the test as soon as I stumbled upon it. Actually not even sneaky, full on guaranteed. I love food. I love eating, I love cooking, I love baking, I love preserving, I love pickling. Unfortunately I also lack discipline when it comes to things I enjoy doing, hence I eat a lot. And often. Three meals a day, elevenses, pre-elevenses, afternoon treats, supper, snacks whilst cooking, bring it on.

Anyone who finds gluttony repulsive is hereby advised to stay well clear of an all you can eat establishment if I'm in it. No dish is safe. Going on an all inclusive holiday would be plain scary. I treated my colleague Lisa to a fine display of feeding prowess during a recent stay at Southwark Travelodge, sampling everything from the breakfast buffet. Fry up, cereal, toast, yoghurt, pastries, fruit, Babybel, orange juice, coffee. Even the scrambled eggs made from powdered egg. No dish left untouched.

I cook myself large portions of food glorious food most evenings, solo eating for two basically. Nouvelle cuisine it most definitely ain't. On the flipside I eat a balanced diet, lots of veg, not a lot of processed foods, snacks aside of course, and do a fair bit of exercise. Me and Swedemount have been out this evening even. Nevertheless my BMI is firmly rooted in the red so the diet test was always going be a foregone conclusion. “At the end of a typical meal, how often do you feel like you haven’t had enough to eat?” All the time (go back for seconds). “If you pass a plate of biscuits or a bowl of crisps, how often will you pick one up?” Always (bloody rude not to). “Do you eat large portion sizes?” Always (no shit, Sherlock). “When you’re out at a meal with friends, do they all seem to get full before you, even when you’re eating the same thing?” All the time (finish other people's plates clearly).

Funnily enough such consumption patterns have a name according to the Beeb: Constant craver. What would KD say? I apparently have 'a strong biological drive to eat' so that's my excuse from now on. My biological drive instructed me to have a slice of cake, a big bag of crisps, a portion of cheesy chips on the side. I confess. Mea Culpa. In fact I reckon I also have a strong biological drive to shop, to drink, to spend money. And you shouldn't deny what comes naturally to you.

Step forward one pair of KG by Kurt Geiger boots.

My previous bout of self control was finally broken by a promise of an extra 10% off the sale price. The marketing team at Asos must just be sat there going 'Sucker!'. £45 they put me back but je ne regrette rien. They're damn fine boots. And damn uncomfortable. Wore them out on Saturday and within the hour I'd acquired a great big blister. First reaction: bleed for fashion, no pain no gain and all that. Quickly dived in to Boots though and emergency first aid applied in the middle of a busy Sheffield high street. Who cares about dignity anyway? Damn fine boots reign.

I also satisfied my strong biological drive at Topman, coming away with a light blue short sleeved shirt and a black polo shirt for a bargain 12 quid in total.

That's me done with the January sales I reckon. The shops should hopefully be resuming full price regimes any day now anyway and that's like garlic to a vampire for me. At the very least it pushes me back to Primark. Mind you when nature calls, the constant craver obeys. It really would be rude not to. Constant craving has always been after all. KD says so.